My first gig.

I'm suddenly feeling HUGELY appreciative of the UK comedy circuit. It took me a couple of weeks to settle in, sorting out all the mundane stuff like car, apartment etc but at the start of the third week, I committed to starting doing some stand up gigs.

I wanted to go under the radar so picked an open mic night. I rocked up to what looked like a shack attached to a structurally unsound building. Outside, a huge bouncer sat on a stall (which was barely viable because of his Saturn-sized arse). "Is this the comedy?" I cautiously asked. "No, it's the open mic night". Well that was quite the statement about the quality of the acts. Apparently it was a mix of music an comedy. I didn't like the sound of this and I liked him even less so I scurried back to my car and went on-line to find an open mic night where the bouncer didn't look like he would snap my neck over his knee after I came off stage.

I drove over to Los Feliz and found the gig. Within minutes, my heart sank. This is how it works in a city where not only comedians want to be comedians but actors, dancers, strippers, everyone is doing it and the market place is more than a little congested. This night ran a lottery system. About an hour before the show, everyone writes their name on a piece of paper and they all go into a hat (which looks remarkably like an old cardboard box). They are then drawn one at a time as each acts picks their place on the running order. There were 10, 5 and 3 minute slots available so obviously the earlier you get picked the better chance you have of securing a decent slot. My name was the 36th to be drawn. No, that's not a typo.

I was incredulous. I couldn't believe these comedians tolerated this. By the time the 20th guy had been on with his semi-written, semi-improvised material, I was losing my mind. If I heard one more 'joke' that ended with, "Well that happened today and I thought it was pretty funny" I was going to find a semi-automatic weapon and kill everyone there. Even if I did that, I'd probably only waste about 5% of the open micers this city attracts. I'm sure LA city council have the stats but I reckon you are definitely never more than 10ft from an aspiring comedian.

I made friends with a couple of comedians who told me about some other shows where actual audiences come to. Oh yeah, did I not mention, the entire audience consisted of other comics who as we know, are a dream to play to. To be fair, they actually were. They gave a representational laugh to say, I appreciate what you are attempting there and in front of paying audience, in my opinion, they will enjoy your work. At another night I went to a few days later, one comic would honk her appreciation like a giant duck. It was like she was trying to say the word "HA!" as loud as she could. I didn't know whether to feel flatter that I didn't hear during my routine.

Anyway, each comic went up and with varying degrees of success, worked through new material, claimed their 180 seconds of stage time and avoided therapy through performing. The problem with playing to an audience of comedians is once they've been on stage, they often feel no compunction to stay and support their fellow acts (and why would you, when there's self harming and other open mic gigs to try and get on at) so they'd leave.

And when you're 36th on the bill, this can be even more disheartening. By the time I went on stage, the audience had dwindled from a healthy 40 - 50 comics, to about 7... including me, my two new comedy chums and the promoters but you know what, I really enjoyed it. If you're looking for an under the radar gig, you won't find better than this. I tried out some new bits, got my confidence back after my 6 week gig hiatus and generally had a good time.

It probably helped that I knew I was on at the Laugh Factory the following night, one of LA's longest running and most prestigious comedy venues.

Afterwards, I felt total ambivalence for the LA comedy scene. I had abject respect for the comedians putting up with this situation. How on earth can you progress without losing your mind as you wait three hours for a couple of minutes stage time but equally I thought, you fools! How can you put up with this situation where you have to wait three hours for a couple of minutes stage time but then I remembered, this is the city where dreams can come true. A town where, if you are in the right place at the right time, you're life literally can change 180 degrees. Let's just hope that place is above a Chinese Restaurant in Los Feliz.